I am so very tired. I experience lots of dizziness, lightheadedness, heart palpitations, chest pains, and cold chills. I was convinced that I was anemic which I thought was probable since I have been bleeding for the past four months. However, I saw the doctor today and for once my results of tests look normal!
I just wanted an easy solution – give me iron pills or give me blood transfusions and make me feel better. But my doctor believes these symptoms are a result of sleep deprivation, toxic chemicals and not being able to isolate one more trigger that is also contributing to these reactions! In the meantime he is urging me to sleep whenever I feel like I can sleep – which would be all day and all night! However, he reminds me that our bodies heal best when it is resting and I need to strengthen my body before I have this surgery
I left his office discouraged. I have so many more symptoms that I haven’t listed and I had really hoped that the ones I mentioned could at least be lessened. I sit here typing hoping that writing down my thoughts will be therapeutic. I can’t help but think of James Thurber’s book Many Moons that I read last night as I continue my goal of reading the Caldecott Meals Winners. The king’s daughter is dying and the king asks her what he can do for her. Her answer reminds me that perhaps I have been putting too much hope in my doctor’s knowledge and his treatment protocols and my ultimate recovery may take something more. I appreciated the daughter’s response to her father when he asked what he could do for her. She replied, “I want the moon. If I can have the moon, I will be well again.” The king must have respected her intuition since he proceeded to call together his physician, his wizard and his mathematician and told them to get the moon for his daughter! However, all these “specialists” told the king this was completely impossible. They remind him of all that they have already provided but this one request is not possible. Those are my doctors these past thirteen years. They have tried everything: sent me on countless tests, have given me supplements, prescription drugs, diets, they have instructed me on how to detoxify my home and have increased my understanding of multiple chemical sensitivities. Yes, these doctors especially my current one, could list their accomplishments. But I am still very ill.
Sometimes I wonder if the doctors hear my list of symptoms but latch only onto one or two of them and try to solve them rather than seeing the big picture. Other times I wonder if the doctors know how to actively listen and whether they ask me enough questions. Or perhaps the doctors limit themselves since they only see my symptoms through the lenses of their specializations. I thought of this when in this children’s story, none of the “specialists” thought to ask questions of the little girl. When I share my symptoms, does the doctor have a preconceived notion of what the words mean that I am using to convey what is happening to me? Only the Court Jester thought to ask the little girl what she meant by needing to have the moon. She told him, “It is just a little smaller than my thumbnail, for when I hold my thumbnail up at the moon, it just covers it.” That was quite a bit different than how the court’s specialists perceived the moon and their perception prevented them from giving this girl what she needed.
After the Court Jester created a small bronze marble- like moon that she could wear on a chain around her neck, she was healed. I like to think that this little girl understood intuitively that her illness needed not just what doctors could give. She needed a miracle. Perhaps, she thought, if you can find a way to give me the moon, I know what was once impossible – my healing – will become possible.” But she also perceived the moon – her miracle – to be in her grasp. Is it a little like me as a Christian who believes that I serve a God who can do the impossible and His intervention is possible since I believe He dwells within me? Dear God, today I really need a piece of the moon.
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