“He’s exhausted. His muscles ache beyond belief and his body is chilled to the bone. His heart is pumping a mile a minute after having just maneuvered through an obstacle course that would challenge the most agile men. He knew it wouldn’t be easy, having read articles about “the quiet professionals,” and listened to stories about “the toughest military training in the world” from guys who had gone through the training before him. He tells himself he can make it, over and over again. This Sailor wants to be a U.S. Navy SEAL.”
I am slightly embarrassed to admit that Greg and I watched G.I. Jane last night. I am even more embarrassed to confess my anger and resentment as I watched Demi Moore show off her physical prowess with one armed push ups and sit ups with her feet hanging from a bar so that her body could be completely suspended. I had barely recovered from the weekend’s faux pas of going into Save-On Foods with Greg and then Tuesday I started the treatment to pull out more mercury. The accompanying pain and debilitating fatigue that just settled in during the afternoon was overwhelming and disappointing.
Then gradually as I watched this movie, I realized I was observing some nuggets of wisdom for my plight! As her character was going through a grueling training process to become a Navy Seal, Demi Moore was blindfolded and water was continually poured over her face and into her mouth to mimic the sensation of drowning. The trainer told her that panic was what usually debilitated soldiers during this kind of torture. The idea was that she was to learn how not to panic during such circumstances.
I understood what he was talking about. There are times when I am bombarded with symptoms and yet my mental and emotional resolve are strong enough to neuturalize any sense of panic that I may not reach my goal of health. Other times -like yesterday, I sink deeply into the abyss of discouragement and just want to surrender to the illness so that I don’t have to be continually disappointed by setbacks. However, yesterday as I wrote words of panic that I may never become well, I concluded with these words:
“And yet, oddly, through the tears and the grief, there is still a smoldering hope that says, “Don’t give up.” I serve the God of the impossible and for all I know tomorrow may be the beginning of a breakthrough. Tomorrow more mercury may be pulled from my body – enough to improve some of my symptoms. Enough to raise debilitating fatigue, enough to clear the mental fog, enough to enable me to have increased endurance after 1 p.m. Enough to hang onto my doctor’s words that , “It may take up to two years, but I believe I can help you.” Enough to believe that I was lead to this doctor by the God I serve and enough to believe that He knows what is best for me. “
“You have to want the program. And mentally, never give yourself the option to quit,” said Master Chief Information Systems Technician Dennis Wilbanks, head SEAL recruiter. Like the successful SEALS trainee, I am no quitter! I will endure another setback with strong mental resolve and then plan my next training session to become healthy.
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