In Jack Canfield’s book, The Success Principles, he says that we have to give up complaining. In fact, in says, “Think about this . . . people only complain about things they can do something about.” He also claims that “The circumstances you complain about are, by their very nature, situations you can change – but you have chosen not to.” I don’t believe this is true in many circumstances, but it definitely isn’t true for people who are ill. However, his statements lead me to ponder the efficacy of complaining as I optimize my healing environment.
First, I thought I had better see how the dictionary defines “complain”, and I learned that “it is to express dissatisfaction or annoyance about a state of affairs or an event.” This definition seemed rather incomplete and so I looked up in the Thesaurus other words for complain: protest, grumble, whine, bleat, carp, make a fuss, object, speak out, criticize, find fault, kick up a fuss, raise a stink, bellyache, moan, snivel, beef, bitch, sound out, grip, kvetch.” Oh dear, none of those words seem to infer that complaining has any redeeming qualities.
Even though I felt uneasy about this conclusion, I felt I should respond proactively. Therefore, I became rather excited when I learned about a congregation that decided to take a pledge to swear off complaining, criticizing, gossiping or using sarcasm for 21 days. Each member wore a bracelet and whenever that person succumbed to complaining, he/she would switch the bracelet to the other wrist and would have to start again from Day One. Even though this practice certainly has its benefits, I actually felt more heartened when a psychologist was interviewed who said that sometimes complaining was helpful!
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/17478694#17478694
I began looking for information about the merits of complaining and I learned about a book called The No Complaining Rule. Its author says that “the goal is not to eliminate all complaining – just mindless complaining that negatively impacts our health and performance and sabotages our individual and team success.” I was just about to justify complaining since I didn’t feel that mine was mindless when I read his next statement: “ And the bigger goal is to turn complaints into solutions and positive actions”. I felt unsettled again about the merits of complaining because there aren’t always solutions and positive actions I can attempt when I am complaining about how I am feeling!
http://www.guideposts.com/story/no-complaining-rule-jon-gordon
Just when I was becoming more and more confused whether I would have to completely stop complaining, I came across Bob Kalal’s article on “Creative Complaining.” He mentions that one benefit of complaining “is that it highlights what’s wrong.” However, after 12 years of being ill, I think I already know what is wrong! What I did appreciate is his recommendation to keep complaints brief. Actually, that is what I have tried very hard to practice. Sometimes I have just found it therapeutic to complain to my husband because what I am really desiring is his easily gotten empathy! I don’t expect him to be able to take away the pain. And I have found the hard way that allowing myself to complain too long just leads to self-pity and that is definitely not helpful.
Then I thought about one of Jack Canfield’s statements about complaining: “You’re complaining to the wrong person”. Now the truth about complaining and its merits was becoming more apparent to me. Complaining to another person may be gratifying when I need some empathy. However, the person I can complain to as often and as long as I like is God. As Isaiah 53:3 reminds me, I have a Savior who “was a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief”. Richard Foster in his book Prayer reminded me that “here is the wonder: the suffering is not for nothing! God takes us and uses it for something beautiful, something far beyond anything we can imagine.” And so I can join the psalmists when they lamented to God and I can join Job and even Jonah as I complain about pain, fatigue and sometimes even worse – the lost memories due to the brain fog and I can complain about lost time. And I can have the reassurance that even when I express my anger, my doubts, my complaints, I can also rest in the knowledge that my complaints are being heard and are being taken seriously. Jack Canfield wrote, “Have you ever noticed that people almost always complain to the wrong people – to people who can’t do anything about their complaint?” It is a good thing to complain to God since only He has the love and the power and the grace to do something with my complaints!!
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